..:Sometimes I Cry:..

I love LOVE this piece of writing below. It explains perfectly how I feel about this new identity of mine, MOTHERHOOD.

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Sometimes I cry for you, little one.

Sometimes I cry because the world is so big and you’re so small, and I worry—Oh, do I worry—about your smallness in this big world.

Sometimes I cry because you’re so big and I’m so small, and the bigger you get to me, the smaller I get to you, and I worry—Lord, how I worry—about my smallness in your big world.

Sometimes I cry because this love is too big and my heart is too small, and a bursting heart feels—strangely, painfully—an awful lot like a breaking one.

Sometimes I cry because I’m overwhelmed by the beauty of you.

Sometimes I cry because I’m overwhelmed by the weight of you.

Sometimes I cry because in the process of gaining you, I gave up a version of me, and though I wouldn’t change that even if I could, sometimes I miss me desperately.

Sometimes I cry because your skin is so soft, and your eyes are so bright, and your soul is so new, and your heart is so open, and I’m sad. I’m sad that your innocence will crumble from experiences brutal and necessary, because you are as painfully human as the rest of us.

Sometimes I cry because you need help in ways that I can’t help you, and helplessness as a parent feels—strangely, surprisingly—an awful lot like sheer terror.

Sometimes I cry because as a mother I have no choice but to put on my big-girl panties every day, and both of those things—having no choice and big-girl panties—can be really, really uncomfortable.

Sometimes I cry because I am so unbelievably tired—not sleepy, but tired—that I can’t do anything else.

Sometimes I cry because I hear God in your giggles.

Sometimes I cry because your very existence evokes a joy so profound that smiles and laughter can’t quite reach it.

Sometimes I cry because this blessing is so big and my cup is so small and the overflow has to go somewhere.

Sometimes I cry because all of these things—the love, the worry, the sadness, the beauty, the bursting, the big-girl panties, the blessing—it’s all too much to take. Just too, too much.

So sometimes I cry for you. And for me. And for this big world. And for a thousand other terrible, wonderful, desperate, beautiful reasons that you won’t understand until you’re a parent.

Sometimes I cry for you, little one. Big, cleansing tears.

- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/sometimes-i-cry/#sthash.VEygMYna.J86jrh7T.dpuf

..To Swaddle or Not..

I did some research before my baby was born about swaddling and what not. I asked around about other people's babies. Of course my mom and aunt said Yes to swaddling. #1 reason to keep them warm #2 reason keep their arms in so they are not easily startled  #3 reason they will sleep longer. #1 Reason to not swaddle is SIDs. 


My advice, try it all and see what works best for you!
I tried it all. The hospital swaddled Emma right after birth. They gave me a cute pink fleece swaddle that I used for night time sleep. I originally had her on her back for naps, but she startled herself awoke often. She slept on our chest the first month of her life, so we figured we could put her down on her belly too. She always napped close to us and on the couch. We kept the swaddling to strictly only bedtime, so she'd know that that was bedtime. There's a couple reasons why we decided to put her on her stomach for her naps. The main reason was that she napped longer that way. Plus she's on her back at night already. We bought a Summer summer swaddle for the summer. 

We chose not to give her a pacifier and just let her naturally suck her fingers. We read it was easier to ween them off their fingers than the pacifier and the number one reason not to use a pacifier; sucking their fingers is in our nature. Sucking a plastic nipple is not! Since we bought the summer swaddle, which was about 3 weeks ago, Emma has gotten a lot stronger and broke out of her swaddle easily. She wanted her fingers to suck on. I read that babies want to suck on their fingers to sooth them back to sleep. We started swaddling under her arms so she has a blanket around her.. and this tells her it's bedtime. She is sleeping longer now, pretty much through the night 8-10 hours each night. This is a great accomplishment for all of us. Prior to this, she was still sleeping in 3-4 hour sessions. Yes, I still get anxiety and check up in her when she is sleeping and or napping... This worried feeling is part of parenthood and will probably never go away.


She's turning 5 months soon and growing so well. Now that I am on summer break, I am literally spending every waking minute with her. I love it! I am cherishing these moments because I know it'll be busy again soon. Everyday I read her books, sing, talk, play and exercise with her. I know all these interactions are going to help her become a very smart active girl!

...:Confessions of a Breast Feeding Mom:...

I have to admit the following:

#1 I want to quit!

Medela parts

#2 I want my body back. I want to feel like I own my body again. It’s been nearly a year since my body was mine. If I were to have another child and EBF too; it’ll be over 4 years of giving up my body.

#3 I am tired of washing and cleaning pump parts! My hands are so dry and I hate putting on lotion now.

#4 My boobs are huge and I feel unattractive at the moment.

#5 When my boobs are engorged, I am angry. Pumping them becomes top priority and I become a mean person.

#6 I can’t enjoy a glass or wine without guilt of wasting milk.

#7 When I work pass the guiltiness and try to enjoy a glass of wine, it just makes me sleepy and I end up falling asleep instead of enjoying it.

#8 Even if my princess sleeps more than 4 hours (which she is starting to sleep 4-5 hours now), my boobs do not let me. Milk drips and makes a mess. I hate wasting milk.

#9 I can’t diet. I feel like I am still pregnant. I have not lost all my baby weight yet. I feel guilty that I am thinking about my physical self. I can’t diet or workout hardcore because I had a c-section and I don’t want to loose my milk supply. Even though, I know nursing will bring to supply back up.
#10 I hate wearing clothes, especially bras! I fear leakage!

#11 Plus more......

There are more complaints about BF than there are joys, but the joys triumphs over  the complaints.

I continue to BF because the the following few reasons:

#1 It is healthiest for my child.

#2 There is a strong bond between mommy and child. I love the feeling of being able to provide her with the nutrients that she needs to sustain life. I love the feeling of her needing me. And I have to admit the feeling of releasing the tension feels good too. The feeling that she needs me is beyond words.

#3 Breastmilk is cheaper… even though I am skeptical about it since my Medela Breast Pump was $250, which does not include cream, pads, wipes, bags and other accessories needed.
#4 No periods!!

These 4 simple reasons are so much more important that all my 9 + complaints. Even though I want to give up, I know I won’t do it. The maternal instincts in my will not allow myself to give up.

How long will I BF for?

Love beyond words

I have been storing milk and over producing (which is a good thing in my book). I plan to continue to stimulate my breast and over produce. I want to stop when she is close to 12 months and just use the frozen milk from there. What I did to increase my supply was drink alot of water, ate (still eating) more calories, pump every 3-4 hours and nurse every chance I get even if it’s only been an hour since I pumped. Every night I take out frozen milk for my husband to give her during the day while I am at work and leave the newly expressed milk that I just pumped the morning of.

Breakfast made by my hubby

Mother’s Day

I had my first Mother’s Day. All I wanted and asked for was to enjoy a few simple things in life. I don’t need a diamond upgrade, a spa treatments or anything expensive…. What I wanted was a bit more sleep and breakfast in bed. I ended up having a glass of wine and a few slices of cheese Saturday night. My husband woke up to feed her while I woke up to pump and dump. My husband made us french toast, bacon sausage and scrambled eggs for breakfast. It was delicious and I enjoyed every second of Mother’s Day with my two loves.

..:Our First Family Trip to Chicago:..

I was quite nervous about taking Emma on the plane. I was afraid she'd cry due to the pressure. I didn't want to be one of those annoying passengers whose kid woke up everyone on the plane.

After reading several blogs and looking at some advice on Pinterest, I came up with a game-plan.

• Fed her and pumped an hour before boarding
• Played with her until 10 minutes before boarding
• Fed her again before boarding
• Boarded the plane and let her sleep
• Had a bottle ready in case she woke up

She slept the whole time flying to Chicago and even on the way back home. She did wake up, but took the bottle and went right back to sleep. Now, our July trip is going to be a breeze to PA!

Emma's First Trip

Must Eat in Chicago

Something that was a struggle during our trip was nursing her. I am not quite comfortable nursing in public yet, so whenever I needed/wanted to nurse to release some tension, we went to the bathroom. She didn't nurse well. I don't blame her. It was definitely uncomfortable and yes disgusting. This meant that we had to go back to the hotel every 4-5 hours so that I could pump. She also needed more milk too. 

Now my sisters and I are thinking about taking a trip back to Chicago. It'll only be 3-4 days. But I am concern about my milk supply. I read that it should be fine as long as I pump. It will dwindle down a bit, but I just need to nurse once I return and my supply should return to normal. I am so excited about starting my summer break. I still have 4 weeks left, but I can NOT wait to spend every waking hour with my little princess. During the summer, I would like to nurse more often and pump less. This is a guarantee that she is receiving  fresh milk and more nutrition. 

Let's smile together!

..:The Joys of Motherhood:..

A week or so after Emma came into our lives, Hon asked me if "becoming a mother was everything I imagined it to be?"

My replied, "Yes, it has been and plus more!"

I knew of the late nights, the cries, the diapers changes and smiles that came along with a child... But I didn't realize the tremendous amount of joy I'd feel holding my child and looking into her eyes. The first few nights, I barely got more than a total 3 hours of sleep, but I was on a high and overwhelmed with joy. All I thought was Emma. I watched her sleep and checked to make sure she was still breathing. All I wanted to do was hold her and stare at her. And that is what we did for the first week. We just stared at her and marveled at her.  We kept asking ourselves, "Do we just think she is the cutest baby in the world because she is our baby?" "Nah, she really is the cutest baby in the world," was the final conclusion that we agreed on.

Everyday we talk about how she's changed. We look at her features and decide if it came from me or from Hon. For now, we agree that Emma has Hon's hairline, eyes and feet. Emma has my nose, lips, ears and eyebrows. She's lucky she has her daddy's long eyelashes! Her fingers and toes are like her daddy's. They are long and slender and grow so fast. I've had to trim them at least once or twice each week already. We're so in love with her! It is like they say, when you have a child of your own, it's another kind of love that is beyond words.

She is a month now. I have a few more days before I have to return to work. I am already dreading it. Oh, I will miss her so much. I know she will be in good hands, but I also want to be there too. I never understood the women who gave up their careers to be with their children... I use to think... Oh, I'd be so bored and want to work again. Now I totally understand why women leave their profession and become stay home moms. It's still alot of work, but it definitely is more joyful being with her. I want to do it for at least for a few years until she can walk and talk. Never say Never, right!

I am breastfeeding her. Yes, it's been challenging! First, I had a c-section so certain hormones were not released and that delayed my milk a little bit. Second, Emma was in SCN, so she was barely with me at the hospital. Third of all.... all the difficulties that every BF mother also faces (the pain, the time, the energy....). However, once she latches on; it feels complete. I feel proud that I can feed my baby. I feel good about doing my motherly duty. It's difficult to understand... and I fought with myself about it, tried to convince myself that I am a working woman and did not have time to do this. Many parts of me wanted my body back. I wanted sleep. I wanted convenience and extra time. BUT overall, I knew that breastmilk was best for Emma. I needed to be strong and just take it one feed at a time. Even right now, it's still frustrating. I feel like I am not producing enough milk yet for her. I am unsure of how things are going to be when I return to work. But I have faith that things will fall into place and I want to continue to be able to feed my child.

I'm glad I didn't give up. However, I can see the logic and reasons as to why other women choose formula. Sometimes, it's beyond our control and our choice. Sometimes our body just isn't cooperating with us. For now, I have decided as long as my body cooperates, I will BF.

It feels so good to know that she needs me. It feels so good to snuggle with her. There is a warm feeling I get when I see her face and hear her little noises. The joys of motherhood is beyond what I imagined it to be and I LOVE IT!

...:The Birth of Emma:...

Wow, what an ordeal it’s been! Currently, I am feeling very fortunate that I am here and our baby girl is here and healthy now. My birth plan was to go a natural as possible, but I was open to all possibilities in order to have this child. Of course, frowning upon those other options. Still, I read it all, watched it all and thought of all the possible scenarios that could happen to us.

I started having contractions Thursday night into Friday. I didn’t experience any BH or contractions throughout the pregnancy, so I knew they had to be real contractions and that I was close to labor. Friday night, we went to bed with few contractions every hour. I actually fell asleep until 12:30 AM ish Saturday. I noticed my contraction got worse and closer together. I timed the contractions until they were about 5-6 mins apart and called the doctor. The doctor advised me to gather my things and check into the hospital. He said since I didn't have contractions before this that these were most likely real labor contractions. We got ready and checked into the hospital around 5 AM. Five minutes into the assessment, my water broke.

To keep this story shorter, I labored with contractions from 5 AM to about 3 PM. By 3 PM, my contractions were bad, but I barely dilated. I barely advanced from 2CM to 3 CM during those 10 hours… So I decided to take the Pitocin to increase the intensity of my contractions, hoping to dilate. The Pitocin made my contractions so fast and intense that I was literally crying and it was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I was offered epidural, so I can rest, but I resisted until 6 PM. I still had not made much progress by 6 PM, so I decided to take the epidural. I was extremely tired from the lack of sleep and also the pain. I was so relieved when I got the epidural. I finally got to catch my breath and relax. My poor husband also got to take a quick nap.

From 6-8 PM, several nurses came in along with my doctor to check on the progress and informed me that baby’s heart beat had been dropping significantly for the past hour off and on. My doctor then said that I needed to have an emergency c-section. OMG, my worst fear and last and final resort…. My husband woke up around this time and was completely lost as to what was happening. At that moment, I bursted into tears causing my oxygen mask to fall off. I cried not because I was scared for myself, but scared for my baby. I accepted and just want to get it done with so I can meet my baby girl.

I was prepped for surgery and it turned out that the cord was wrapped around baby’s neck twice. Then there were other complications with infections and other unfortunate mishaps, so my daughter was put into Special Care and I ended up being pricked and poked at all night. I only got to see and meet her once that night. I was “fixed” and brought back into my room to recover. I felt like such a bad mother because I only got to see her for 1-2 minutes.

The next morning, I woke up early and prepared myself to visit my daughter. I was not allowed to leave the bed unless I could show the nurse that I can get up from the bed and walk to the bathroom all by myself. I took tiny baby steps. I sat on the side of the bed for over 30 minutes, ate breakfast and stood for 5 minutes before attempting to walk to the bathroom. It was so beautiful seeing our girl and talking to her. The rest of the hospital stay consisted of being in Special care and resting in bed. I felt terrible and sad for our baby girl. She had to stay an extra night for testing and medication. It was like I left my heart at the hospital.

It’s been almost a week now since Emma came into this world. My husband and I are so in love. This love is REALLY beyond words. We admire everything about her and giggle at her every move. We have barely slept because all we want to do is stare at her and talk to her. Although my labor was not what I desired, I am very THANKFUL I live here and there was this alternative of a c-section to save our baby girl. The recovery after having a c-section is no fun… This is really the most miserable and vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. I am still in alot of pain and just starting to feel like I have my body back. I am also THANKFUL to have such a kind and loving husband. He’s done it all from picking up things I drop on the floor to cooking and cleaning.

Emma is one week old today

She was WORTH it

..:Due Date Tomorrow:..

Emma's due date is tomorrow, February 19th, 2014. There are very little signs that she is going to come by tomorrow. I know this is just an estimated date. However, I would love to meet her very soon!

In the meantime, I have convinced myself that I am not going to rush her. I am going to keep myself busy. As a teacher, there are so many lesson plans and other projects that I can get done while waiting to go into labor. Today was my last day of work. The long term sub came in and spend the day with us. I spent a lot of time showing her things around the classroom and catching her up. I am a bit nervous because I know how students are around subs. Also, this year I was only out one day so the students have been spoiled by my presence. In this way, I am happy that Emma is not here yet and I got a chance to finish the necessary units before my maternity leave.

My feet are exhausted after today. Last night was one of the first nights where I barely got any sleep. I felt my body cramping the whole night and couldn't stay awake. My mind was fixed on the documentary we watch, The Business of Being Born. I am nervous about having a c-section. I DON'T want it!! I want to deliver without meds and as natural as possible... so here are some advice I have heard several times from people and from forums online.

• LABOR at home first before going to the hospital...
• Wait, be patient, wait until you can't take the pain anymore
• Center yourself and think positive!
• Don't let the doctor's suggestions be your only option
• Let your body take charge
• Don't deliver laying on your back

This one is just my own personal note to self:

• Don't scream and shout (esp. bad words) because I don't want Emma to hear it!

..:My Birth Plan:..

      Emma and I are officially 36 weeks and a couple days. We feel good. No contractions. I haven't even experienced Braxton Hicks yet. There is no complaining here. This means less pain overall! This means Emma is not ready to come out yet. This might mean she'll probably be 40 weeks and fully developed. As much as I want to meet her, it is more important that her brain is fully developed and ready to enter into the world.

      I have decided to write her a letter for every one of her birthdays until she is 18 years old. I wanted to give her advice and express how special she is to us. Perhaps someday she'll look back at all the letters and re-read them when she is older. I want her to know that she was made from love and we are here to support her.

Yummy dim sum to fill our bellies!

We are 36 weeks! We love the combination of sausage and rice.

The Very First Kiss from Auntie Lia.

My Birth Plan
      Everywhere I read and everyone I talk to ask me about my birth plan. Yes, I plan to give birth. I plan to do it as natural as possible. I will not use drugs. I'd like to think my pain tolerance is pretty high. I'd like to think that I will survive. I mean, women have gone through labor without such mediation for so many years. Also, I read when you take the drugs, your baby is also being drugged too and there are not enough research about the effects of it on the baby. However, I do understand that there could be complications and perhaps the unexpected could happen. I have done nearly everything possible to be healthy and to be prepared for the labor. I have continued to workout, exercise my body and been building it to make it strong. I have been eating delicious various foods and  swallowed large vitamins to build the fat necessary to support her. I have read all the books, watched all the videos, bought all the clothes, bottles and materials items needed to support her. I have played the lullabies and read multiple children's books. I have even bought enough diapers to last her until she is 4 years old!
      IF the unexpected happens and I have to get a c-section, then I will. I will give up more of my body for my little girl to come into this world. I have accepted the fact that there is a chance this could still happen. So this is my birth plan. I plan to go into labor and have Emma. In the meantime, I plan to continue to think positive, surround myself with people who love and adore me, smile and be happy. My husband has been so wonderful in supporting me physically and emotionally through this process. Happy wife, happy baby and happy life!