..:Just One New Year's Resolution:..

2017: I will find and be myself again.

I love being a mommy! Don't misunderstand that. I am a mommy of two beautiful kids. I give them so much of myself. 2016 was so much about them and it was difficult to do anything for myself. I had this little helpless human being who depended 100% on me.

2017 will be the year I find and be myself again. I am not talking about the "soul searching" type of finding myself. I know who I am! I am talking about doing ME things again. Doing things that make me ME.

LIKE For example: 

-SLEEP! I really need sleep! My body is screaming for it! I can't wait to sleep a full 6-8 hours uninterrupted. Maybe I'll get some "beauty" back??!

-Grow my nails. I always cut them because I didn't want to scratch my baby.

-Wear my engagement ring. I didn't because I didn't want to scratch my baby.

-Paint my nails. I didn't paint them because I needed clean short nails to break a BF latch if it was a bad latch or just latched on at night

-Oh, yeah lotion my hands. They are so rough from all the hand-washing and lack of lotion. It needed to lotion-free for the reason above.

-Tweeze my eyebrows. 

-Put on makeup, so I look "put together" because believe it or not, my appearance is judged. "Oh, she looks tired. She must be exhausted from her kids!"

-Wear normal clothes again without having to worry about milk or puke stains. I have so many cute outfits waiting for me.

-My hair to grow back! Heck! Do my hair!

-Time to go to the gym. Maybe lose these last 10 lbs?!

-Time to shower or eat without thinking my baby is probably crying for me. Shower and enjoy it instead of just doing it because it's a necessity... Actually chew my food, taste it and enjoy it.

-Eat spicy food again. Or steak or sushi. Or drink tea or caffeine..  Oh and yes, drink a glass of wine without guilt that I am passing it onto my baby through my milk!

All the above would make me happier!

So 2017, I am excited! 

..:Sleep Deprived:..

I am so sleep deprived; I am barely functioning. It's been six months since this little guy entered my life. The first month, sleep was better because he was sleeping 3-4 hours at a time.... then it dwindled to 3 hours, then 2 and then he starting waking up every hour. Seriously, isn't he tired too? Doesn't he want to sleep longer than 2 hours? Apparently NOT!

So I read "if naps are bad then night time sleep is bad too and vice versa." YUP! True here. Naps are anywhere between 15-30 minutes. If I am lucky, he'll sleep 60-75 minutes. Poor boy! He should be tired and cranky, right. But most of the time, he's happy and just wants to play.

I use to nurse him then put him back down in his bed. But now I'm so tired, we just co-sleep. He's finally learned that in-order to sleep with mommy, he needs to sleep on his back. And he hates being on his back. I don't mind nursing him at night... But I wish nursing meant he'd sleep!

It isn't all him. I take most of the blame. I don't like naps and I wake up early so my kids must have gotten it from me. I also refuse to let him Cry It Out or Sleep Train him. I truly believe it's a milestone that he needs to reach when he is ready. It took Emma 10 months to sleep throughout the night. I know some people are quite "lucky" and their babies sleep throughout the night as a newborn.

My little one has zero soothing skills. He had reflux as a newborn so I held him up 30 mins or so before putting him down. He also had terrible colic so I spent many night consoling and rocking him to sleep. He found his fingers a few times, but I took his fingers away when I let him nap in the baby carrier for 5 weeks. I keep reminding myself "this difficult time will pass" and he is perhaps my last baby, so YES, hug him, rock him, carry him and nurture him as much as possible. Soon I'll be sleeping 8- 10 hours a night and all these sleepless night will be a distant memory.

..:What Schedule??!!:..

"What schedule, Mommy?" Julian exclaims.

Seriously, NOTHING is working out like how I planned it to be or imagined it to be.. We have not established a set schedule yet. Everyday Julian's been ruling the house and all our lives. He eats, sleeps, etc. whenever he wants to. I have tried and am still trying to get him to follow a routine. Some days are better than others. Some days, I just end up crying a little bit with him. Because my back aches from dancing him to sleep. Because I am tired and sleep deprived. Because I know he is tired and sleep deprived too. And because my heart is overflowing with love for this boy.

So far, his colic (or should I say the Period of Purple) is near its end. Thank goodness! That 6-8 week period of brutal. There was so much crying between him and me, we probably could fill a lake! This colic (or should I say the Period of Purple) is the worst ever. It's robbed my son of his time, happiness and effects so many aspects of his life. Because of it, he hates car rides, strollers, car seats... Dare I go anywhere (or he),,, I dread taking him places because it's non-stop tears and my heart breaks every time. Even if it's just a few minutes car ride to Target or Walmart. Because of colic, he doesn't want the bottle, therefore I can't leave him for long. Right now, I can't even book a dental appointment or sign Emma up for classes yet. Our lives are on hold for the day that he is all better. Poor baby!

He is starting to smile and talk, which literally melts my heart and it makes it all worth it. I know that things are getting better but I am still waiting for the day when it's ALL better. I have to remind myself that he is new in this world. He is learning and this is forced me to become a better mother.

Something that is the same everyday is his bedtime routine. I am glued to the monitor constantly checking to make sure he is asleep. I hate to hear and see him cry since he cries so much from his colic.

His bedtime routine:
-lay out his clothes and diaper
-lay him down to change his diaper and clothes
-turn on the melody (20 mins) then white noise
-cries
-feed him
-cries
-rock him
-put him down
-he wakes and cries
-feed him again
-put him down
--he wakes and cries
-feed him again
-put him down (3x, that should be it)
-Sometimes there's a 4th feed, rock and put him down

It takes about an hour to do this. I start at 7 PM and he is officially down by 8 PM. Luckily with Emma, it's easy and Daddy does it.

Emma's bedtime routine:
-brush teeth
-bath
-book
-say "Good-night" to everyone
-bed
-All in 20-30 mins

Emma's been so good about her littler brother. She's so helpful and caring. She wants to hug him and talk to him. She tells him, "It's okay, I am here." "I will help you." "Don't cry." "No, Mommy. He is a prince." We are so blessed to have her!

I have managed to squeeze in some Me-Time since he has gotten better and Daddy can help out. My Me-Time is going to Planet Fitness and burning some calories. I leave a bottle of freshly pumped milk for Daddy to give him. But he doesn't take it.. So my workouts are 45-60 mins and I rush home to nurse him. At the gym, I am only thinking of him... Is he up yet? Oh, he must be crying now? I bet he is hungry and wants his Mommy now. Oh, these guilty feelings!! It's been tough to focus on me. I am very Thankful to have wonderful In-Laws that allowed me to put 110% into just being a Mom.

Baby boy... Soon you'll have better days. Mommy loves you very very much! Xoxo.

,,:What Schedule??!!:..

"What schedule, Mommy?" Julian exclaims.

Seriously, NOTHING is working out like how I planned it to be or imagined it to be.. We have not established a set schedule yet. Everyday Julian's been ruling the house and all our lives. He eats, sleeps, etc. whenever he wants to. I have tried and am still trying to get him to follow a routine. Some days are better than others. Some days, I just end up crying a little bit with him. Because my back aches from dancing him to sleep. Because I am tired and sleep deprived. Because I know he is tired and sleep deprived too. And because my heart is overflowing with love for this boy.

So far, his colic (or should I say the Period of Purple) is near its end. Thank goodness! That 6-8 week period of brutal. There was so much crying between him and me, we probably could fill a lake! This colic (or should I say the Period of Purple) is the worst ever. It's robbed my son of his time, happiness and effects so many aspects of his life. Because of it, he hates car rides, strollers, car seats... Dare I go anywhere (or he),,, I dread taking him places because it's non-stop tears and my heart breaks every time. Even if it's just a few minutes car ride to Target or Walmart. Because of colic, he doesn't want the bottle, therefore I can't leave him for long. Right now, I can't even book a dental appointment or sign Emma up for classes yet. Our lives are on hold for the day that he is all better. Poor baby!

He is starting to smile and talk, which literally melts my heart and it makes it all worth it. I know that things are getting better but I am still waiting for the day when it's ALL better. I have to remind myself that he is new in this world. He is learning and this is forced me to become a better mother.

Something that is the same everyday is his bedtime routine. I am glued to the monitor constantly checking to make sure he is asleep. I hate to hear and see him cry since he cries so much from his colic.

His bedtime routine:
-lay out his clothes and diaper
-lay him down to change his diaper and clothes
-turn on the melody (20 mins) then white noise
-cries
-feed him
-cries
-rock him
-put him down
-he wakes and cries
-feed him again
-put him down
--he wakes and cries
-feed him again
-put him down (3x, that should be it)
-Sometimes there's a 4th feed, rock and put him down

It takes about an hour to do this. I start at 7 PM and he is officially down by 8 PM. Luckily with Emma, it's easy and Daddy does it.

Emma's bedtime routine:
-brush teeth
-bath
-book
-say "Good-night" to everyone
-bed
-All in 20-30 mins

Emma's been so good about her littler brother. She's so helpful and caring. She wants to hug him and talk to him. She tells him, "It's okay, I am here." "I will help you." "Don't cry." "No, Mommy. He is a prince." We are so blessed to have her!

I have managed to squeeze in some Me-Time since he has gotten better and Daddy can help out. My Me-Time is going to Planet Fitness and burning some calories. I leave a bottle of freshly pumped milk for Daddy to give him. But he doesn't take it.. So my workouts are 45-60 mins and I rush home to nurse him. At the gym, I am only thinking of him... Is he up yet? Oh, he must be crying now? I bet he is hungry and wants his Mommy now. Oh, these guilty feelings!! It's been tough to focus on me. I am very Thankful to have wonderful In-Laws that allowed me to put 110% into just being a Mom.

Baby boy... Soon you'll have better days. Mommy loves you very very much! Xoxo.

..:Julian's Arrival:..

Julian was born on Monday, June 27th at about 3:58 PM. We checked in at about 11: 20 AM and ended up waiting for hours. Our appointment was 1:30 PM, but we got pushed back due to an emergency c-section that came in. But I knew very soon that I would be holding my baby boy very soon once we were in the OR. It was worth the wait for me. :)

Julian was born via a scheduled c-section. It was actually calm (just like many of the blogs I read) compared to Emma's emergency c-section. There was no rush, there were no tears of fear (only tears of happiness when I met my baby boy for the first time!), and most importanly of all my body was not exhausted already from 15 hours of labor (which made a huge difference in my recovery). I checked into surgery and waited in the prep room until I was brought into the OR #1 at about 3:45 PM. The most painful part was getting the spinal anesthesia. Once that was over, everything went really fast from there. I had the nicest anesthesiologist nurse. He talked to me the whole time and reassured me everything was going well. He walked me through the surgery and made time pass pleaseantly.

Since I was familar and had watched a video of a c-section online before, I knew what was going on. My OB worked quickly and soon after I heard my baby boy crying. I was so happy and relief to hear the cry. There was no possible infection nor was my baby swept away into another room. He was cleaned and checked quickly; then they put him on my chest for some skin to skin. The nurse kindly took a family picture and then we were wheeled into the recovery room (me still holding onto my baby boy). In the recovery room, my nurse monitored me and Julian's nurse helped him latch on to BF. Time passed quickly from there on, were are there for about two hours and then went over to our Couplet Care Room. It was sooo nice to have baby boy with us in the room; to be able to hold him, nurse him and just be with him.

My hospital stay was pleasant. The nurses and staff were all so kind and respectful. I even got a free back massage! My husband and I agreed the food was pretty tasty compared to what we had before even though I was restricted to light solids for those three days. My body was able to recover more quickly compared to my first c-section. I met with the lactation nurse who helped Julian get a better latch.

Even though his birth story wasn't long and full of ups and downs, it was a very happy and peaceful event for me. I couldn't have asked for it to have gone better! We're both healthy and that's all that matters!!

..:To Hmong Chicken Diet or Not:..

There are so many things to do to get ready for Julian's arrival. I've done a good amount of them already...

But we still have to do the following:

-sterilize and dry all breastfeeding pumps parts and bottles

-wash and install the infant car seat

-hook up the camera

-set up the bassinet and infant rocker

My hospital bag is packed though!

Now onto the BIG question as a Hmong woman; Am I going to do the traditional Hmong Chicken diet?

I have heard so many arguments about why to do it and why not to do it. Some Hmong women say that it's just a way to hold Hmong women down and of course there wasn't much to eat back then. Others argue that it helps with old age and good health. Whatever it is that you believe... the idea is to eat healthy, stay away from junk food and to simply just take care of your body.

Here's a good blog to read more about the Hmong Chicken Diet:

Hmong postpartum care

https://ahmongwoman.com/2012/03/10/hmong-postpartum-care/

Lemon Grass Herb

The 6 other herbs that goes into the soup. It's impossible to find the names of these herbs. I did the research and found nothing. Luckily, a close friend of mine was able to send me the actualy plant, so now I have an abundant of them!

A Meal I had PP after I had Emma

When I had Emma, I did my own version of this Hmong Chicken Diet. I incorporated fruits and vegetables to each meal and cut down on the rice. I had about 1-2 cups of cooked rice. I did  to stay away from processed junk for the first month and ate hot to warm food all the time. I did this because I knew I had to eat nutritious meals in order produce milk and stay healthy for my Emma and myself.

With this second pregnancy, I am going to do the same type of meals that I had before. I'll have a herb chicken soup along with a side of vegetable and fruit. I'll still have 1-2 cups of cooked rice daily and drink warm-hot water (which is easy because I don't like cold water anyways).

Let's do this again!

Did I wrap my stomach?

I did use a stomach wrap, not the traditional Hmong wrap. I used a breathable valcor one that the hospital gave me for the first month and then used the Cinch for the next 2 months. I know it helped and I will continue to do the same after having Julian. I know people who didn't wrap their tummy and totally regretted not doing so. Hopefully with much rest, healthy meals and nursing; I'm excited and ready to bounce back!

..:Research in order to make good decisions:..

SAHM Day #4

This Stay at Home Mom thing is new for me. I don't know very many SAHMs and there are none in my immediate circle... So I did the research on how to be the best SAHM. I want to be well informed and make the best of my time with my babies... So here is the best article so far that gave some very good tips:

10-tips-being-happy-and-productive-stay-home-mom

I particularly love #10.

"10. Show love everyday. The most important thing in my opinion, and it goes for everyone, not just stay at home moms, is to show your love for one another. I think that when you show love to your family it makes it easier for them to show love in return, which equals happiness. Hug them, kiss them, cuddle them. Make them know that they are loved everyday!"

As far as a schedule goes, here's what I am thinking for now. It'll change when Baby Julian arrives.

6-8 AM: Wake-up, Bathroom, Breakfast, Clean-up

8-9 AM: Play Time, Reading Time

9-10 AM: Outside Time, Learning and Observing Outdoors

10-11 AM: Independent Play while I make lunch

11-12 PM: Lunch, Clean-up, Daddy Lunch Time

12- 2 PM: Nap Routine, Emma's Nap Time, Mommy Time

2-3 PM: Quiet and Snack Time

3-4 PM: Puzzles / Learning Manipulatives

4-5 PM: Free Time (Play with mommy then Independent Play Time)

5-6 PM: Outside Time

6-8: Dinner, Play Time, Clean-up Time

8-8:30: Quiet Time, Bath & Bedtime Routine

- I also want to point out that there are so many learning opportunities throughout the day that perhaps for right now, there isn't a need to have sit-down lessons. Perhaps not until Julian comes along anyways. 

Today's accomplishment: She went down for her nap without a diaper and it was a success! The key is to have an earlier lunch, so she isn't drinking liquids too close to her nap time. 

These are our "Learning Puzzles." We play these once a day for about 10-15 minutes depending upon how much she can handle. Our focus on letters, counting and colors. There are four main "puzzles," but only 3 are in the picture above (2 alphabet puzzles, on peg and one not, and a Hape Counting Stacker). The 4th "Learning Puzzle" is a stacking pyramid play set. We started playing with them last summer. She didn't have much patience and had a difficult time matching up the puzzles. But now that she is older, she is much better at it and can match nearly all the pieces up! She can say many of the words and match them the pictures.

..:Day #1 of Being a Stay Home Mommy:..

I'm counting today as Day #1 of the start of my SHM (Stay Home Mommy) time. Yesterday was the last day of school. It was a great last day of school! I had a great time with the students and staff. I felt so loved and appreciated! Now it's onto this new adventure of mine.... this wonderful adventure of teaching, learning and enjoying motherhood.

Today, even though, it's a Saturday and I am not teaching... but it's the first day in a looong time that I am not writing lesson plans. I am not thinking about other kids besides just mine. :) I can just simply be with Emma and pay 110% to her without thinking of work or spending 5 hours writing lessons.

This morning, Emma woke up around 6:30 AM. We did out regular morning routine and took the time to make pancakes. She was so happy mixing and watching me make the pancakes on the stove. We took our precious time eating breakfast and washing the dishes. Then we had playtime and drawing time before my doc appointment. It felt so nice not to have to rush just so I can get to work an hour before work (if you didn't know teachers show up 1-2 hours before and after their required hours just to get ready and do prep work).

Emma is napping now. When she gets up, we'll have a snack, blow bubbles, go for a walk, play and read until dinner time. Tonight I'm going to make weekly plans of the lessons I will teach her. It won't be as detailed as my school lesson plans because we need lots of wiggle room. But I want to make sure that we're getting in our "education in." My smart little girl is such a sponge, she's going to have so much fun learning!

I know this is going to change in three weeks when Julian arrives... But I have the next 3 weeks with my beautiful baby girl.

"Dear Emma,
You're our first born and our first experience in all the milestones of a baby. It was so beautiful seeing your first smile, your first tooth down to your first steps and your first words. You're our first "I love you" and our first unconditional love. When you were born, we knew and experienced a greater love than the love that we had for each other.
With your little brother coming in the three weeks, you will not have our undivided attention. But we know that you will be a wonderful big sister. We know that you are so sweet and thoughtful that you will welcome your brother with open arms and help mommy and daddy. I'm not sorry... I am happy and thankful that I can give you another person to rely on during your lifetime.
If you ever feel sad, unappreciated or unloved because there is another little one around; just know that you were our first love. It doesn't mean we love you less, but only that our love for you have grown. We love you so much and perhaps even more than before because we're seeing what a great, smart and beautiful girl you are becoming. Already you have made us so proud! You took your first steps at 10 months and was walking around on your first birthday. You're learning so many things and words as a two year old using complete sentences and thoughts. Emma, you are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are very important. Mommy and Daddy will always love you!
Love,
Mommy"

..:Why I decided to have a c-section:..

My labor with Emma was a painful and unprogressive for a little over 15 hours and I ended up having an emergency c-section. I barely dialated, Emma's heartbeat kept dropping and her cord was wrapped around her neck twice. Yes, childbirth is painful, emotionally and physically exhausting.

As much as I want to try a natural birth because of my first c-section, I don't want to risk a uterine rupture, even if it is just 2%. I am not ready to say, "I am done with babies."

This is enough for me to decide that I want a c-section. I know that I am choosing the "not natural way," and yes, this way takes longer to heal. This healing process is familiar to me. This is my choice.

I've been reading so many blogs and testimonials about how a schedule c-section is so different from what I had the first time, an emergency c-section. I am so excited to meet baby Julian! I am excited to have my baby in my arms! I am even more excited to introduce Julian to Emma. Everyday Emma and I talk about Julian and we read books about siblings. She hugs, kisses and hugs my belly.

..:I've Always Wanted to Do This:..

I have decided to take a year off from teaching to be a stay home mommy. Why you ask?

1. I want to take time to be Emma's FIRST teacher. She's two now and learning so much so fast. I want to be there to make sure that she is getting the best lessons and homecooked warm meals. I have many lesson plan already stirring in my mind. The first ones are starting in a couple weeks here when we start planting our raspberry plants and green beans! We're also going to focus on learning our ABCs, colors and numbers!

"In spite of the great number of neurons present at birth, brain size itself increases more gradually: a newborn's brain is only about one-quarter the size of an adult's. It grows to about 80 percent of adult size by three years of age and 90 percent by age five. This growth is largely due to changes in individual neurons, which are structured much like trees." -www.zerotothree.org

2. I want to see and be there for all of baby boy's milestones. I didn't get to be there for all of Emma's and that's always made me sad. :( I remember coming home to my husband's stories of what Emma did that day. Sigh! I was quite jealous, but mostly disappointed that I missed it. I am surrounded by students whom I give 110% to everyday and spend countless hours of lesson planning and making "things" that I miss out on my own child.... Life of a teacher, eh!

3. I want to breastfeed my baby boy without the craziness of pumping at work and the worries of not-enough milk. I was successful with Emma and I NEED to be with Julian too. It's only fair that I give them both the best and give it my all. This is something that is very important to me and my child too.

 "At 6 months, only 36 percent were still nursing. At 12 months, the number dips to 17 percent - fewer than one in five mothers. While moms know that breastfeeding gives babies the best start in life, legions of them find it difficult - if not downright impossible - to nurse longer than six months, let alone up to the one-year milestone." -www.parenting.com

4. Now is the perfect time before we are tied to a mortgage. 

5. I have always wanted to have this experience! When I had Emma, I knew it was my calling. I love being a mommy! I am a greater teacher to many; but my most important students are my kids.  I want to be THEIR GREAT TEACHER more than anything!

6. Work will always be there, but the time I could have with my babies will not. The thought of them not reaching their highest/growth potential would have me feeling guilty forever. It's only a year... but it's a very important year for both kids! I personally feel it's vitial for their sibling relationship too that I am here to help them bond and be with each other.

7. There are several other good reasons why I am making this move... But I couldn't have made this decision without the love and support from my dear husband. Thank you for valuing me and how important this means to me and our kids. XoXo.

...:Life is Beautiful:...

Happy 18 months, my LOVE!

Life is like a camera... 

Focus on what's important... 

Capture the good times... 

Develop from the negatives... 

And if things don't work out, 

TAKE another shot.

(*not my quote)

Jamaica in June 2015

Life flies by so fast.  I am so happy and very fortunate I was able to spend so much time with my little one.  But now it's time to get back to reality and get working again!  I pray that I can overcome this small hurdle and get back into my career!

..:What?! She's 14 Months Already:..

When did this happen?

Where did my baby go? 

It seemed like it was just yesterday that she entered our lives and now she's 14 months. Walking, talking, reading and playing all on her own. Time sure has flown! It has been so wonderful watching her grow, learn and transform into the toddler that she is now. She's becoming quite a character now and having this thing called "her own personality." 

She really has helped me put many things into perspective and given me more strength beyond measures. When I am having a bad day, I look at her picture and smile. When I am tired, I play with her and am suddenly pumped with energy. Many of the "things" that happen in life all seems soo petty next to being a great mommy. I know I want to be a good role model for her. I know I want to be a good teacher to her. I know I want to be a good mommy. I only wish I could spend more time with her. I know and understand why my mom calls me so much!

I am so proud and happy I nursed my little pumpkin a full 11 months and spent the last month slowly weaning. I believe BM has a lot to do with her healthy developments. Yes, it was hard to get through. I had days when the pump was my worst and best friend. But I am stronger and smarter because of this... and I will be much wiser the next time around. 

Hopefully soon, I can claim and start this new mommy role known, "Stay Home Mommy!"

We're all getting ready for our big move and can't wait for this new and exciting chapter of our lives!

Emma's Under the Sea Birthday Theme

Birthday Balloons!

..:Sometimes I Cry:..

I love LOVE this piece of writing below. It explains perfectly how I feel about this new identity of mine, MOTHERHOOD.

************************************************************************************************************

Sometimes I cry for you, little one.

Sometimes I cry because the world is so big and you’re so small, and I worry—Oh, do I worry—about your smallness in this big world.

Sometimes I cry because you’re so big and I’m so small, and the bigger you get to me, the smaller I get to you, and I worry—Lord, how I worry—about my smallness in your big world.

Sometimes I cry because this love is too big and my heart is too small, and a bursting heart feels—strangely, painfully—an awful lot like a breaking one.

Sometimes I cry because I’m overwhelmed by the beauty of you.

Sometimes I cry because I’m overwhelmed by the weight of you.

Sometimes I cry because in the process of gaining you, I gave up a version of me, and though I wouldn’t change that even if I could, sometimes I miss me desperately.

Sometimes I cry because your skin is so soft, and your eyes are so bright, and your soul is so new, and your heart is so open, and I’m sad. I’m sad that your innocence will crumble from experiences brutal and necessary, because you are as painfully human as the rest of us.

Sometimes I cry because you need help in ways that I can’t help you, and helplessness as a parent feels—strangely, surprisingly—an awful lot like sheer terror.

Sometimes I cry because as a mother I have no choice but to put on my big-girl panties every day, and both of those things—having no choice and big-girl panties—can be really, really uncomfortable.

Sometimes I cry because I am so unbelievably tired—not sleepy, but tired—that I can’t do anything else.

Sometimes I cry because I hear God in your giggles.

Sometimes I cry because your very existence evokes a joy so profound that smiles and laughter can’t quite reach it.

Sometimes I cry because this blessing is so big and my cup is so small and the overflow has to go somewhere.

Sometimes I cry because all of these things—the love, the worry, the sadness, the beauty, the bursting, the big-girl panties, the blessing—it’s all too much to take. Just too, too much.

So sometimes I cry for you. And for me. And for this big world. And for a thousand other terrible, wonderful, desperate, beautiful reasons that you won’t understand until you’re a parent.

Sometimes I cry for you, little one. Big, cleansing tears.

- See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/sometimes-i-cry/#sthash.VEygMYna.J86jrh7T.dpuf

..To Swaddle or Not..

I did some research before my baby was born about swaddling and what not. I asked around about other people's babies. Of course my mom and aunt said Yes to swaddling. #1 reason to keep them warm #2 reason keep their arms in so they are not easily startled  #3 reason they will sleep longer. #1 Reason to not swaddle is SIDs. 


My advice, try it all and see what works best for you!
I tried it all. The hospital swaddled Emma right after birth. They gave me a cute pink fleece swaddle that I used for night time sleep. I originally had her on her back for naps, but she startled herself awoke often. She slept on our chest the first month of her life, so we figured we could put her down on her belly too. She always napped close to us and on the couch. We kept the swaddling to strictly only bedtime, so she'd know that that was bedtime. There's a couple reasons why we decided to put her on her stomach for her naps. The main reason was that she napped longer that way. Plus she's on her back at night already. We bought a Summer summer swaddle for the summer. 

We chose not to give her a pacifier and just let her naturally suck her fingers. We read it was easier to ween them off their fingers than the pacifier and the number one reason not to use a pacifier; sucking their fingers is in our nature. Sucking a plastic nipple is not! Since we bought the summer swaddle, which was about 3 weeks ago, Emma has gotten a lot stronger and broke out of her swaddle easily. She wanted her fingers to suck on. I read that babies want to suck on their fingers to sooth them back to sleep. We started swaddling under her arms so she has a blanket around her.. and this tells her it's bedtime. She is sleeping longer now, pretty much through the night 8-10 hours each night. This is a great accomplishment for all of us. Prior to this, she was still sleeping in 3-4 hour sessions. Yes, I still get anxiety and check up in her when she is sleeping and or napping... This worried feeling is part of parenthood and will probably never go away.


She's turning 5 months soon and growing so well. Now that I am on summer break, I am literally spending every waking minute with her. I love it! I am cherishing these moments because I know it'll be busy again soon. Everyday I read her books, sing, talk, play and exercise with her. I know all these interactions are going to help her become a very smart active girl!

...:Confessions of a Breast Feeding Mom:...

I have to admit the following:

#1 I want to quit!

Medela parts

#2 I want my body back. I want to feel like I own my body again. It’s been nearly a year since my body was mine. If I were to have another child and EBF too; it’ll be over 4 years of giving up my body.

#3 I am tired of washing and cleaning pump parts! My hands are so dry and I hate putting on lotion now.

#4 My boobs are huge and I feel unattractive at the moment.

#5 When my boobs are engorged, I am angry. Pumping them becomes top priority and I become a mean person.

#6 I can’t enjoy a glass or wine without guilt of wasting milk.

#7 When I work pass the guiltiness and try to enjoy a glass of wine, it just makes me sleepy and I end up falling asleep instead of enjoying it.

#8 Even if my princess sleeps more than 4 hours (which she is starting to sleep 4-5 hours now), my boobs do not let me. Milk drips and makes a mess. I hate wasting milk.

#9 I can’t diet. I feel like I am still pregnant. I have not lost all my baby weight yet. I feel guilty that I am thinking about my physical self. I can’t diet or workout hardcore because I had a c-section and I don’t want to loose my milk supply. Even though, I know nursing will bring to supply back up.
#10 I hate wearing clothes, especially bras! I fear leakage!

#11 Plus more......

There are more complaints about BF than there are joys, but the joys triumphs over  the complaints.

I continue to BF because the the following few reasons:

#1 It is healthiest for my child.

#2 There is a strong bond between mommy and child. I love the feeling of being able to provide her with the nutrients that she needs to sustain life. I love the feeling of her needing me. And I have to admit the feeling of releasing the tension feels good too. The feeling that she needs me is beyond words.

#3 Breastmilk is cheaper… even though I am skeptical about it since my Medela Breast Pump was $250, which does not include cream, pads, wipes, bags and other accessories needed.
#4 No periods!!

These 4 simple reasons are so much more important that all my 9 + complaints. Even though I want to give up, I know I won’t do it. The maternal instincts in my will not allow myself to give up.

How long will I BF for?

Love beyond words

I have been storing milk and over producing (which is a good thing in my book). I plan to continue to stimulate my breast and over produce. I want to stop when she is close to 12 months and just use the frozen milk from there. What I did to increase my supply was drink alot of water, ate (still eating) more calories, pump every 3-4 hours and nurse every chance I get even if it’s only been an hour since I pumped. Every night I take out frozen milk for my husband to give her during the day while I am at work and leave the newly expressed milk that I just pumped the morning of.

Breakfast made by my hubby

Mother’s Day

I had my first Mother’s Day. All I wanted and asked for was to enjoy a few simple things in life. I don’t need a diamond upgrade, a spa treatments or anything expensive…. What I wanted was a bit more sleep and breakfast in bed. I ended up having a glass of wine and a few slices of cheese Saturday night. My husband woke up to feed her while I woke up to pump and dump. My husband made us french toast, bacon sausage and scrambled eggs for breakfast. It was delicious and I enjoyed every second of Mother’s Day with my two loves.

..:Our First Family Trip to Chicago:..

I was quite nervous about taking Emma on the plane. I was afraid she'd cry due to the pressure. I didn't want to be one of those annoying passengers whose kid woke up everyone on the plane.

After reading several blogs and looking at some advice on Pinterest, I came up with a game-plan.

• Fed her and pumped an hour before boarding
• Played with her until 10 minutes before boarding
• Fed her again before boarding
• Boarded the plane and let her sleep
• Had a bottle ready in case she woke up

She slept the whole time flying to Chicago and even on the way back home. She did wake up, but took the bottle and went right back to sleep. Now, our July trip is going to be a breeze to PA!

Emma's First Trip

Must Eat in Chicago

Something that was a struggle during our trip was nursing her. I am not quite comfortable nursing in public yet, so whenever I needed/wanted to nurse to release some tension, we went to the bathroom. She didn't nurse well. I don't blame her. It was definitely uncomfortable and yes disgusting. This meant that we had to go back to the hotel every 4-5 hours so that I could pump. She also needed more milk too. 

Now my sisters and I are thinking about taking a trip back to Chicago. It'll only be 3-4 days. But I am concern about my milk supply. I read that it should be fine as long as I pump. It will dwindle down a bit, but I just need to nurse once I return and my supply should return to normal. I am so excited about starting my summer break. I still have 4 weeks left, but I can NOT wait to spend every waking hour with my little princess. During the summer, I would like to nurse more often and pump less. This is a guarantee that she is receiving  fresh milk and more nutrition. 

Let's smile together!

..:The Joys of Motherhood:..

A week or so after Emma came into our lives, Hon asked me if "becoming a mother was everything I imagined it to be?"

My replied, "Yes, it has been and plus more!"

I knew of the late nights, the cries, the diapers changes and smiles that came along with a child... But I didn't realize the tremendous amount of joy I'd feel holding my child and looking into her eyes. The first few nights, I barely got more than a total 3 hours of sleep, but I was on a high and overwhelmed with joy. All I thought was Emma. I watched her sleep and checked to make sure she was still breathing. All I wanted to do was hold her and stare at her. And that is what we did for the first week. We just stared at her and marveled at her.  We kept asking ourselves, "Do we just think she is the cutest baby in the world because she is our baby?" "Nah, she really is the cutest baby in the world," was the final conclusion that we agreed on.

Everyday we talk about how she's changed. We look at her features and decide if it came from me or from Hon. For now, we agree that Emma has Hon's hairline, eyes and feet. Emma has my nose, lips, ears and eyebrows. She's lucky she has her daddy's long eyelashes! Her fingers and toes are like her daddy's. They are long and slender and grow so fast. I've had to trim them at least once or twice each week already. We're so in love with her! It is like they say, when you have a child of your own, it's another kind of love that is beyond words.

She is a month now. I have a few more days before I have to return to work. I am already dreading it. Oh, I will miss her so much. I know she will be in good hands, but I also want to be there too. I never understood the women who gave up their careers to be with their children... I use to think... Oh, I'd be so bored and want to work again. Now I totally understand why women leave their profession and become stay home moms. It's still alot of work, but it definitely is more joyful being with her. I want to do it for at least for a few years until she can walk and talk. Never say Never, right!

I am breastfeeding her. Yes, it's been challenging! First, I had a c-section so certain hormones were not released and that delayed my milk a little bit. Second, Emma was in SCN, so she was barely with me at the hospital. Third of all.... all the difficulties that every BF mother also faces (the pain, the time, the energy....). However, once she latches on; it feels complete. I feel proud that I can feed my baby. I feel good about doing my motherly duty. It's difficult to understand... and I fought with myself about it, tried to convince myself that I am a working woman and did not have time to do this. Many parts of me wanted my body back. I wanted sleep. I wanted convenience and extra time. BUT overall, I knew that breastmilk was best for Emma. I needed to be strong and just take it one feed at a time. Even right now, it's still frustrating. I feel like I am not producing enough milk yet for her. I am unsure of how things are going to be when I return to work. But I have faith that things will fall into place and I want to continue to be able to feed my child.

I'm glad I didn't give up. However, I can see the logic and reasons as to why other women choose formula. Sometimes, it's beyond our control and our choice. Sometimes our body just isn't cooperating with us. For now, I have decided as long as my body cooperates, I will BF.

It feels so good to know that she needs me. It feels so good to snuggle with her. There is a warm feeling I get when I see her face and hear her little noises. The joys of motherhood is beyond what I imagined it to be and I LOVE IT!