..:The Joys of Motherhood:..

A week or so after Emma came into our lives, Hon asked me if "becoming a mother was everything I imagined it to be?"

My replied, "Yes, it has been and plus more!"

I knew of the late nights, the cries, the diapers changes and smiles that came along with a child... But I didn't realize the tremendous amount of joy I'd feel holding my child and looking into her eyes. The first few nights, I barely got more than a total 3 hours of sleep, but I was on a high and overwhelmed with joy. All I thought was Emma. I watched her sleep and checked to make sure she was still breathing. All I wanted to do was hold her and stare at her. And that is what we did for the first week. We just stared at her and marveled at her.  We kept asking ourselves, "Do we just think she is the cutest baby in the world because she is our baby?" "Nah, she really is the cutest baby in the world," was the final conclusion that we agreed on.

Everyday we talk about how she's changed. We look at her features and decide if it came from me or from Hon. For now, we agree that Emma has Hon's hairline, eyes and feet. Emma has my nose, lips, ears and eyebrows. She's lucky she has her daddy's long eyelashes! Her fingers and toes are like her daddy's. They are long and slender and grow so fast. I've had to trim them at least once or twice each week already. We're so in love with her! It is like they say, when you have a child of your own, it's another kind of love that is beyond words.

She is a month now. I have a few more days before I have to return to work. I am already dreading it. Oh, I will miss her so much. I know she will be in good hands, but I also want to be there too. I never understood the women who gave up their careers to be with their children... I use to think... Oh, I'd be so bored and want to work again. Now I totally understand why women leave their profession and become stay home moms. It's still alot of work, but it definitely is more joyful being with her. I want to do it for at least for a few years until she can walk and talk. Never say Never, right!

I am breastfeeding her. Yes, it's been challenging! First, I had a c-section so certain hormones were not released and that delayed my milk a little bit. Second, Emma was in SCN, so she was barely with me at the hospital. Third of all.... all the difficulties that every BF mother also faces (the pain, the time, the energy....). However, once she latches on; it feels complete. I feel proud that I can feed my baby. I feel good about doing my motherly duty. It's difficult to understand... and I fought with myself about it, tried to convince myself that I am a working woman and did not have time to do this. Many parts of me wanted my body back. I wanted sleep. I wanted convenience and extra time. BUT overall, I knew that breastmilk was best for Emma. I needed to be strong and just take it one feed at a time. Even right now, it's still frustrating. I feel like I am not producing enough milk yet for her. I am unsure of how things are going to be when I return to work. But I have faith that things will fall into place and I want to continue to be able to feed my child.

I'm glad I didn't give up. However, I can see the logic and reasons as to why other women choose formula. Sometimes, it's beyond our control and our choice. Sometimes our body just isn't cooperating with us. For now, I have decided as long as my body cooperates, I will BF.

It feels so good to know that she needs me. It feels so good to snuggle with her. There is a warm feeling I get when I see her face and hear her little noises. The joys of motherhood is beyond what I imagined it to be and I LOVE IT!

...:The Birth of Emma:...

Wow, what an ordeal it’s been! Currently, I am feeling very fortunate that I am here and our baby girl is here and healthy now. My birth plan was to go a natural as possible, but I was open to all possibilities in order to have this child. Of course, frowning upon those other options. Still, I read it all, watched it all and thought of all the possible scenarios that could happen to us.

I started having contractions Thursday night into Friday. I didn’t experience any BH or contractions throughout the pregnancy, so I knew they had to be real contractions and that I was close to labor. Friday night, we went to bed with few contractions every hour. I actually fell asleep until 12:30 AM ish Saturday. I noticed my contraction got worse and closer together. I timed the contractions until they were about 5-6 mins apart and called the doctor. The doctor advised me to gather my things and check into the hospital. He said since I didn't have contractions before this that these were most likely real labor contractions. We got ready and checked into the hospital around 5 AM. Five minutes into the assessment, my water broke.

To keep this story shorter, I labored with contractions from 5 AM to about 3 PM. By 3 PM, my contractions were bad, but I barely dilated. I barely advanced from 2CM to 3 CM during those 10 hours… So I decided to take the Pitocin to increase the intensity of my contractions, hoping to dilate. The Pitocin made my contractions so fast and intense that I was literally crying and it was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I was offered epidural, so I can rest, but I resisted until 6 PM. I still had not made much progress by 6 PM, so I decided to take the epidural. I was extremely tired from the lack of sleep and also the pain. I was so relieved when I got the epidural. I finally got to catch my breath and relax. My poor husband also got to take a quick nap.

From 6-8 PM, several nurses came in along with my doctor to check on the progress and informed me that baby’s heart beat had been dropping significantly for the past hour off and on. My doctor then said that I needed to have an emergency c-section. OMG, my worst fear and last and final resort…. My husband woke up around this time and was completely lost as to what was happening. At that moment, I bursted into tears causing my oxygen mask to fall off. I cried not because I was scared for myself, but scared for my baby. I accepted and just want to get it done with so I can meet my baby girl.

I was prepped for surgery and it turned out that the cord was wrapped around baby’s neck twice. Then there were other complications with infections and other unfortunate mishaps, so my daughter was put into Special Care and I ended up being pricked and poked at all night. I only got to see and meet her once that night. I was “fixed” and brought back into my room to recover. I felt like such a bad mother because I only got to see her for 1-2 minutes.

The next morning, I woke up early and prepared myself to visit my daughter. I was not allowed to leave the bed unless I could show the nurse that I can get up from the bed and walk to the bathroom all by myself. I took tiny baby steps. I sat on the side of the bed for over 30 minutes, ate breakfast and stood for 5 minutes before attempting to walk to the bathroom. It was so beautiful seeing our girl and talking to her. The rest of the hospital stay consisted of being in Special care and resting in bed. I felt terrible and sad for our baby girl. She had to stay an extra night for testing and medication. It was like I left my heart at the hospital.

It’s been almost a week now since Emma came into this world. My husband and I are so in love. This love is REALLY beyond words. We admire everything about her and giggle at her every move. We have barely slept because all we want to do is stare at her and talk to her. Although my labor was not what I desired, I am very THANKFUL I live here and there was this alternative of a c-section to save our baby girl. The recovery after having a c-section is no fun… This is really the most miserable and vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. I am still in alot of pain and just starting to feel like I have my body back. I am also THANKFUL to have such a kind and loving husband. He’s done it all from picking up things I drop on the floor to cooking and cleaning.

Emma is one week old today

She was WORTH it