My replied, "Yes, it has been and plus more!"
I knew of the late nights, the cries, the diapers changes and smiles that came along with a child... But I didn't realize the tremendous amount of joy I'd feel holding my child and looking into her eyes. The first few nights, I barely got more than a total 3 hours of sleep, but I was on a high and overwhelmed with joy. All I thought was Emma. I watched her sleep and checked to make sure she was still breathing. All I wanted to do was hold her and stare at her. And that is what we did for the first week. We just stared at her and marveled at her. We kept asking ourselves, "Do we just think she is the cutest baby in the world because she is our baby?" "Nah, she really is the cutest baby in the world," was the final conclusion that we agreed on.
Everyday we talk about how she's changed. We look at her features and decide if it came from me or from Hon. For now, we agree that Emma has Hon's hairline, eyes and feet. Emma has my nose, lips, ears and eyebrows. She's lucky she has her daddy's long eyelashes! Her fingers and toes are like her daddy's. They are long and slender and grow so fast. I've had to trim them at least once or twice each week already. We're so in love with her! It is like they say, when you have a child of your own, it's another kind of love that is beyond words.
She is a month now. I have a few more days before I have to return to work. I am already dreading it. Oh, I will miss her so much. I know she will be in good hands, but I also want to be there too. I never understood the women who gave up their careers to be with their children... I use to think... Oh, I'd be so bored and want to work again. Now I totally understand why women leave their profession and become stay home moms. It's still alot of work, but it definitely is more joyful being with her. I want to do it for at least for a few years until she can walk and talk. Never say Never, right!
I am breastfeeding her. Yes, it's been challenging! First, I had a c-section so certain hormones were not released and that delayed my milk a little bit. Second, Emma was in SCN, so she was barely with me at the hospital. Third of all.... all the difficulties that every BF mother also faces (the pain, the time, the energy....). However, once she latches on; it feels complete. I feel proud that I can feed my baby. I feel good about doing my motherly duty. It's difficult to understand... and I fought with myself about it, tried to convince myself that I am a working woman and did not have time to do this. Many parts of me wanted my body back. I wanted sleep. I wanted convenience and extra time. BUT overall, I knew that breastmilk was best for Emma. I needed to be strong and just take it one feed at a time. Even right now, it's still frustrating. I feel like I am not producing enough milk yet for her. I am unsure of how things are going to be when I return to work. But I have faith that things will fall into place and I want to continue to be able to feed my child.
I'm glad I didn't give up. However, I can see the logic and reasons as to why other women choose formula. Sometimes, it's beyond our control and our choice. Sometimes our body just isn't cooperating with us. For now, I have decided as long as my body cooperates, I will BF.
It feels so good to know that she needs me. It feels so good to snuggle with her. There is a warm feeling I get when I see her face and hear her little noises. The joys of motherhood is beyond what I imagined it to be and I LOVE IT!
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